It's Thursday night. One more night with this foley catheter and in the morning I get to pull it out. Should be fine, I hope. There isn't any blood in my urine, but it is still uncomfortable to urinate. I am not sure what the problem is. I just hope it corrects itself once the catheter is out. I will be glad to be free of the tube and bag.
You know right now I am just feeling tired. Tired of thinking about my cancer. Tired of thinking about what happened in the past. Tired of thinking about what might happen in the future. Tired of thinking about test results. Tired of thinking about if I am choosing the right doctors. Tired of thinking about the next doctor's appointment. Tired of thinking about what choices I may have to make in the next 4 weeks. Tired of thinking about how I will ever be able to make such a choice. Tired of thinking about what my quality of life will be after these choices. Tired of thinking about if I will have the medical and personnel support I will need to help me through this transition. Tired of thinking about how will I be able to work and meet financial obligations. Tired of thinking about how this is affecting my family. Sometimes I get tired.
Thinking of family, maybe I should take some time to explain my unusual family situation. I will spare you of the details. I have a son, Dean, who is 21 years old and has moved out of the house a year or so ago. I feel he lives the life of a typical 21 yr old who doesn't know what to do with his life. I am married. I have been married to Barbara for 22 yrs and we have been separated for 15 of those years. Barbara has been a great help to me in these last weeks. She has gone with me to doctor's appointments and stayed with me through the surgeries. She tries to help me the best she can. But Barbara has her own issues and I wonder how well she will hold up if things start to go south for me. I do have many good friends who have offered their support and I know if I needed help they would respond. And I have always had the support of all my family. I just hope that the surgeries will leave me in a place where I can function well enough on my own.
Not much more to say tonight. I am tired. Just want to say thank you to everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Thank you to Barbara for her time and support.
