I feel that there are times in life when it is good to sit and reflect on the past. On August 26, 2015, Dr. Danashmund performed a radical cystectomy and manufactured a neobladder replacement for my cancerous bladder. And that day was truly a new beginning.
So why do I choose to reflect now? Because for an unknown reason to me, when the medical community stages the progression of your cancer at the time of diagnosis, they also advise you on the probability of you being able to live past the next 5 years. And I was told that my probability was 50 / 50. The way I choose to think about this was that's better odds then you would ever find in Vegas. And so - it has now been 5 years and I am still here. And so I am going to reflect and I have been trying to organize my thoughts so this makes sense.
What a journey. I don't know how you make sense of life, but I choose to believe that there was someone guiding me along this journey. There were decisions that had to be made that would have changed the way I would function on a daily basis. Thinking back on how I struggled to make these decisions that I hoped no one would never have to. But here I am - Life is good - God is good. But this experience has also saddened me and made me wonder why do others not recover successfully? Why do others die? I will never forget the story of one person in particular. I had a classmate named Mary Blasius Hicks. We had met up later thru Facebook. Mary was probably diagnosed with cancer about the same time frame as me. And in late 2015, Mary was going to loose her leg to cancer and I feel that her diagnosis was not looking good for her at this time. I believe the cancer was also devastating her financially because I noticed she had started a go fund me page called "Mary's End Of Life Bucket List." When I read her list, I remember that she only wanted to fly home to visit her family one last time. That never happened. In January 2016, Mary died. This hit me hard then and still does. You see, during this same time, I was improving. Life was getting better and almost normal. Life was sweet, but in the back of my mind was Mary.
And now it's 2020 and I am so thankful for the life I am blessed with. I am so damn lucky. My new normal isn't that much different from my old normal. There are a few - what I call - negative minor changes from the surgery that I deal with. The first is of a sexual nature. The surgery causes nerve damage and can leave a man impotent and I appear to be a casualty. The other major side effect of the surgery is incontinency. In this, I have been very lucky. Probably my problem is more self-inflicted. During the daytime hours I am 100% continent. At nighttime, you are advised to stop drinking liquids a few hours before bedtime. But not me!! I've been drinking a big whiskey and coke before bed for the last 30 some years and cancer wasn't going to rob that pleasure from me. Now this isn't a big thing, but once a month or so I might wet myself a little, but then there are those 2-3 times a year bed soakings. You know neither of these two situations upset me. I AM ALIVE! I won't let these situations define who I can be in this new life I have been blessed to have.
Being a bladder cancer survivor has also affected me as a person. And I am at peace with these changes also.
I have become very aware of how the health system works and the inequity of this system. I was fortunate to have the education, time, and financial means to be able to educate myself on exactly what was happening to my body, what treatments were available, how they would affect me, and the best doctors to treat me. This is soooo important, because the health care system may not always offer you what is best or what you need.
I have discovered that for me, being human must include having compassion and empathy for those humans who find themselves in dire straits. I left one doctor because I just didn't feel he was showing me any compassion for my situation. Sometimes we just want someone to acknowledge that what you are going through is tough and sucks.
I have learned to not let things that I can't control, control me. This wasn't always the case, but my life become more peaceful when I choose to let go of negative feelings of situations I have no ability to change. And the flip side of this, the negative feelings I have for situations I do have some control over, I need to take action to change. Having cancer gives you lots of opportunities to experience both of these situations.
Gratitude - I can't imagine anyone surviving cancer and not feeling extremely grateful. From doctors, nurses, hospital staff, family, and friends who aided me in each of their own special ways. A big thank you to Barbara, Dean, and especially my sister Cheryl, I would not have been able to take the journey I did without your help.
I suppose one can't be diagnosed with cancer and not contemplate your mortality. Of course the same may hold true if you have had a stroke or heart attack. And I have had the good fortune to have experienced and survived (virtually unscathed) all three. So I have contemplated my mortality a few times. Let's just say I have had a life blessed beyond what I could have dreamed. I have had such good fortune and the help of so many - I am by no means a self made man.
Faith in God. Again, I don't think one could absolutely fully recover from a stroke, heart attack, and cancer and not feel that someone Devine must be watching over them. Of course sometimes going through these experiences might bring up more questions then answers about God. Like the Mary question - Why do some live and some die? Why are some people's outcomes worse then others? Why have you blessed me with so much? I don't wear my religion like a shining light. And most people would think me a damn good sinner. But maybe trying to practice what I feel Christ was trying to teach - like being grateful, showing compassion, helping those in need, showing kindness to all, and simply treating others as you would have done to you - might be a pretty good way to live in the time we have left.
The End - for now.
