Anger issues

Tomorrow morning Barb and I drive down to the Huntsman for an office visit with Dr. Dechet (urologist) and Dr. Gupta (oncologist). This will be my first visit since my biopsy / TURBT. I am anxious to ask Dr. Dechet why I was in so much pain after this procedure. No one forewarned me about this aspect which I feel might have been nice. I really have my doubts about how much compassion this guy has for his patients. He may be the most experienced in this area, but without showing some compassion for my situation leaves me feeling a little angry. So I am anxious to see how this meeting goes and I will try not to start out with a chip on my shoulder over the pain of the last procedure and troubles there after.

So here's what I think will go down tomorrow. Dr. Dechet will come in and tell me my bladder is not fit to try to save. I wanted to try to keep my bladder and just cut out the tumor part of the bladder. This treatment is called a partial cystectomy. I figured part of a bladder is better then none. But as I said at the end of my last post, very few qualify for this. And few doctors will agree to do it. So here comes the part that REALLY SUCKS. Dr. Dechet will then tell me that the way to proceed from here is to perform a radical cystectomy. This is a lovely procedure where they remove your bladder, prostate, and as many adrenal glands as they can get to. Of course, removing the bladder really complicates that action we all do 5-10 times a day - called taking a piss!!! So to solve this problem, medical science will recommend the same procedures they have been doing for the last 40-80 years. You have 3 options - the ileal conduit (you pee into a bag on the outside of your body), the Indiana pouch (they build and attach a bag to the inside wall and you put a catheter in your side to empty), or a neo bladder (an artificial bladder that is plumbed so you can still pee through your penis - at least this option still gives you a reason to still have a penis.) Of coarse with all of these options, you loose the 2nd most important function of the real bladder (the 1st is storing urine), the ability to feel when it is time to urinate. With all of these options, you learn to pee by the clock so to speak. With option 1, the ileal conduit, since the bag is on the outside you have a visual reference.

So this will be my treatment (find everything that might have cancer and cut it out) and my options (figure out how to make it function after we are done). What I have been wondering is how does anyone make a decision based on these 3 options? I know I will have to. And the more I read about these procedures, you realize that all have good and bad points. They all require a lifetime of maintenance. And there are no do overs and the success of whatever option you choose will be affected by the skills of your surgeon.

So do I sound a little angry? And I really don't appreciate when people say, "Oh it's no big deal. You just need to deal with it."  Really!! They are f''ing up the most basic of all human functions. Within minutes when we are born, they put a diaper on us. As a child our proud parents proclaim, "Look, he can go pee pee all by himself. He's potty trained." And then there is the shame if you are a bed wetter or you pee your pants in public. And God knows all the potty humor jokes that are forever present every single day of our lives in one way or another.

Of course the most common response I get when I go off on my angry rant, "Would you rather be dead?" Oh - ya - touché. Got me.

Anyway, I know holding on to this anger is not healthy for me. But trust me when I tell you that I have a whole lot more anger then this stored inside me. I feel so many wrong things have led me to this position I'm in now. And I guess overcoming a stroke and a heart attack isn't enough of a challenge for one lifetime. Sometimes it's like an emotional cancer eating me up on the inside and I can't figure out how to cut it out. Yes, I can pray to God, but unfortunately she's on my angry list also. Sometimes it can be a real mess inside me. Somehow, somewhere, sometime the fighter and conqueror will emerge. I hope. He has to. If not, I may get eaten by 2 cancers.

By the way, I do have very positive moments. They do come and I try to hold on to them. A moment like now when I realize and am so grateful for all my family and friends who are praying for me, rooting for me, wanting to help me. Thank you so very much!!!!

Well, let's see if the script I wrote for tomorrow is correct. Maybe I'll be surprised. But for now I'll try and find some peace and with it some sleep. With love - Good Night.