I was hoping yesterday (Friday), was going to be the day that my life would triumphantly return to normal after Tuesday's biopsy. I was instructed to pull out my own catheter if my urine was mostly free of blood. My urine did look good so at 7:00 am I carefully read the instructions for the 100th time and successfully freed myself from the rubber snake. It's a feeling I am becoming used to unfortunately. I went and had breakfast and a stool softener (to try and get things moving in the rear end) and thought that I would hang around the house long enough to urinate normally one time just to make sure everything was still functioning OK. But when I got the urge to pee, there was a lot of bladder pressure but very low flow and volume. To say I was disappointed is an understatement.

I left and went to work to try and catch up on things. Lane (my business partner) has really been understanding. But after 3 hours my abdomen just hurt. I still was not urinating normally with low flow and volume. I just felt bad. So I came home and called the nurse at Huntsman and told her. She thought I needed to re-catheterize myself. She told me to go to my urologist in Logan and have them do it. I called my doctor right away and they said the doctor was out but the PA would fit me in asap. Thanks to my lovely neighbor Dorothy, I was able to get a ride to the hospital. When I saw the PA, he felt my abdomen and asked if I had had a bowel movement. I said no that I only have been able to pass gas. An ultrasound showed I had only retained about a cup of liquid in my bladder after just urinating. He didn't think I needed a catheter, but just needed to get a bowel movement in asap. He said a catheter wouldn't be bad if it would make me feel more comfortable. Boy am I confused now. Just my luck that abdominal constipation pain and bladder voiding issues would happen at the same time on a late Friday afternoon. We decided to put the catheter in. I called lovely Dorothy, who kindly came and gave me a ride home. Once I got home I decided to sit on the toilet until I had a bowel movement. And a bowel movement I had!! Yea!! You know I felt a hell of a lot better. And it made me think if getting the catheter was a mistake.

So now I have this catheter with a much smaller but more mobile bag. And I'm watching it fill up with a red colored liquid. Blood. What! Why! Why is there blood in my urine now?? There was barely a trace of blood when I removed the 1st catheter this morning and when I was urinating during the day. What has happened? What has changed? Where is the blood coming from? The PA had told me that if I had had a bowel movement that I had his permission to pull the catheter. But I was told by the nurses to not pull the catheter if you are bleeding. I am upset, but I realize the only thing I can do is just wait and see if it clears up later in the night.

I try to relax as I watch my hopeful day slip away. And to add a bit of irony to the day, I watch "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day." It wasn't as funny as I had hoped. I went to bed, with blood still draining into my catheter bag. And with my smaller bag, the realization that I will be setting my alarm for every 2 hours throughout the night to empty my bag of bloody urine.

You know spending a lot of time by yourself gives you the luxury of talking out loud to yourself. I confess I do this. And last night as I lay in bed I let my anger out. I am afraid I still have not reconciled or accepted the circumstances I find myself in. And so as I prayed aloud with my angry voice, I shouted to God my anger and fears. And when I was done crying, I laid still on my back and thought of nothing and hoped that sleep would come.